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This Lagos is Not Nice

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Something to warm you up this wet Tuesday. 



The first time I came to Lagos, I had an uncanny impression that everyone is a criminal, and everybody you meet has violent tendencies 

Due to the kind of news we heard about Lagosians, I was prepared for the worst

I was surprised when I went to eat one sunny day after job hunting without success in a buka, still wearing my ironed neatly starched suit, I knew I was the best dressed in that raggedy place

So I crossed my legs and shouted with an air of authority and class, "waiter!" 

Everyone bursted out laughing 

Then three guys sitting close to me, moved closer and told me that there is no waiter here, it's Iya Ibeji, and her daughters name is Ibeji,

They smiled and told me to gently go to the front, wash my plate myself and queue up

I looked in horror, having just arrived from Abuja where I was living with my aunt

I said never, how can I wash my own plate ontop money I'm paying, never!!! 

I'll sit here and they will serve me, they must serve me 

So I shouted waiter and immediately the girl ran over

The guys were shocked, I smiled and balanced well in my seat

You need to dress the part and speak the part, I told them after I had placed my order to the girl 

Everyone was smiling at me, and I was smiling back 

The guys called me friend while the girl stood and took my order, I called them friend too, and wondered why people said lagosians are violent and hostile

Local and loud maybe, but not hostile and aggressive 

Soon my food arrived and I ate 

I noticed within the time I used my fork and knife to eat my eba and egusi soup, the guys had eaten three wraps of eba with extra soup and meat

Soon they stood up, called me friend again and asked if I was enjoying my meal

I smiled and told them it was okay, I've had better but this is fine. 

They smiled and walked to the front, later they waved at me while standing with the girl that served me, and I waved back and smiled 

The girl too waved looking at me, and I nodded and waved back, wondering if this flirting was a way to get me to order more or come often 

It seemed everyone loved waving and smiling in this Lagos

So on their way out they tapped me and thanked me while smiling 

I nodded and smiled, and thanked them too, wondering what they were smiling and thankful for 

They must be well groomed and responsible young men like me, I thought

"Waiter my bill please," I called out

When she showed me 

I screamed 

"Iya Ibeji, how much is your food?" I thundered 

"No sir, it's for all of you." the girl said

"All of who?" I asked perplexed

"Your friends oga, they ate extra and even took some away." she replied impatiently 

"Which friends?" I asked again shocked 

"Oga answer me na, no dey waste my time, the friends you were waving and smiling with just now." she replied 

"I don't know those guys, I met them here. I thought you were waving because, because... Then I lowered my voice... I thought you were waving because you like me." I whispered the last part

"Mama!" she screamed

It was then I saw the violence and aggressiveness I was warned about

When the Iya Ibeji showed me her true colors, I paid and even paid extra for the inconvenience 

But those three guys, may their hands remain up, and may that food purge them forever. 

Everybody is mad in this Lagos, I swear

I am tired of Lagos!!!


The End


Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne 

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