All Kinds of Passion

"Knock knock"

"Neighbor are you in?"

It was my nosy neighbor again, Paul, the young married man who loved minding everybody's business except his.

I was in my room, smoking a stick of white London in peace and mapping out a sales and 'ad' marketing strategy for my book, "Water and Fire."

The last thing I needed was a man who loved to gossip. 

"Good morning Paul" I forced the smile and immediately swallowed it when I saw he wasn't alone, but in the company of three righteous looking people.

You could tell from their dressing that they were out on evangelism.

Two Holy looking brothers and a virtuous sister, the brothers wore an over sized coat and cheap looking shoes, their signature Christian look, while the sister at least had potential. A knee length black not too tight skirt and not too lose, on a corporate blue blouse and a suit jacket, she held a Big bible and wore long multi-color braids covered unsuccessful with a scarf, like I said, she had potential, and thankfully, no umbrella and briefcase, so I heaved a sigh of relief. 

Better deeper life or Redeem than Jehovah witness, right... No offence to my Jehovah famz.

My brain went to work instantly,  should I hide the cigarettes, or drop it on the ground since the hand I used to open and keep the door open also held the cigarette but was hidden inside, but again, I knew they could smell the smoke and even see the fumes evaporating into the sky

Why pretend, besides it's my house and I didn't invite them, and from the patronizing smile and 'we forgive you your sins but you will perish in hell' look the brothers gave me, I turned to Paul and of course he had the 'I told you so' look, too.

In that instant, I felt like the smoke was coming out from my eyes, ears and forehead, but again it's just guilt from the look and judgement vibes I was getting... The one everyone gives to you when they catch you watching porn, even though we all watch porn.

Fuck it!

I brought out the cigarette, puffed once and blew it into his face.

If you must sin, then sin well.

He coughed and said, "I'm sorry to barge in on your parade, but these fine young gentlemen and lady are in the neighbourhood to propagate the gospel, and...he coughed again,  I told them we have the perfect candidate for heaven." he turned before I could respond and scurried away to safety beyond my vision but not before adding. 

"He's all yours." and then he almost ran away from my sight. 

I couldn't believe it, the nerve of that bastard.

The brother who was in charge of the evangelism came forward and smiled a very big smile, "Brother sir,  please we would love to talk to you about your father, our father who art in heaven, Jesus, so..."

I cut him off straight

"I'm very sorry but this isn't a good time, I'm very busy at the moment, so... 

The second brother responded by cutting me off too. "Yes we understand and know how busy you are, but we only need 3 minutes,  just 3 small minutes of your time."

I drew the cigarette again and puffed, then looked him straight in the eye.

"What you all have to say to me would exceed 3 minutes, you know it and I know it too, so you all just lied, except for the sister, but if you wanna prove me wrong by arguing then I'll set my watch and time you, and as soon as it's 3 minutes, even if you are praying and high in the spirit, you will stop and come down immediately. So do you assure me that 3 minutes is 3 minutes or should I go inside and continue my work?"

They all looked at themselves,  obviously they werent expecting this kind of host, I'm sure they were about to dust their feet and turn their backs around when the sister came forward and said 

"Brother,.."

"Kingdavid please, call me Kingdavid." I supplied

She smiled and continued 

"Brother Kingdavd, what we have to say to you is very important and involves life and death especially this period when the world is so sick and we all are looking for hope. I'm sure you are wondering why we are out here risking our lives and disobeying the Governements instructions to stay at home, but it is because your life is very important to us that we are risking ours to save you."

I mean I was touched, she was good, very good but I know religion and I understand the language even more than the three of them.

I closed my eyes and puffed again then dropped the cigarette and killed the smoke with my feet, all the while my brain was thinking of the best way to get them off my house so I can go in and work, when suddenly like a bolt of lightning an idea struck me.

"I am also doing something important which also is life and death for me. I'm a writer, an author and I just published my first book. It's called Water and Fire."

After the 'oohs,' 'wows' and the 'congratulations,' from the three of them, I continued. This was business for me as much as it is for them too and I will capitalize on every opportunity to keep it that way between us. None will cheat the other.

"Thank you, I appreciate, okay so as I was saying,  I am presently working on a sales and marketing strategy to help me sell my book this period, so if you all will buy a copy of my book each, then you can have all the time in the world to preach to me." I now gave them my best smile. 

"How much is a copy?" the lead brother asked. 

"It's N2,000" I said. 

"Fine, we will all buy a copy right now." The sister said and immediately paid cash from her purse, the brothers reluctantly brought out their phones and did a transfer to me, I got the alert and with open arms I invited them into my small comfortable home. 

They sat on the bed and stayed for 2 hours, I timed them, unknowningly of course.

But it didn't matter that they stayed for 2 straight hours, they paid for it so it was a win win for all of us. 

I got a call two weeks later.

"Hello, is this Kingdavid?" the female caller said

"Yes it is, who's calling please?" I asked.

Men will always be polite to a strange female caller 

"It's Annabel, I bought your book,  Water and Fire two weeks ago with my church members when we came to preach to you."

"Oh, yes I remember, well this is a pleasant surprise. I hope you have been enjoying reading it?"  I asked excited.

"Yes, I have not been able to stop since I started, but I want to ask you a question if you don't mind." she sounded shy.

"Of course, please ask away." I tried to reassure her.

"Okay,  this is embarrassing but,  the stuffs you described in page 204, All Kinds of Passion, can you really do that? "

I smiled and realized the poem she was referring to. It was an intimate poem from the different categories in the book. 

"Annabel, there's only one way to find out but I assure you, everything I write, I AM!"

The End

The above story, well,  some are fiction and some are not.

But I assure you all, everything I write... I...

Who slap me ?

Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne