The hardest thing I did was leaving my wife on the altar with another man!
It began one week ago...
I was doing just fine dodging bullets and running through tunnels in my new upgraded uniform, I had just been equipped with the latest rifle and hand grenade, I was ready for blood and my mission was to save the President's daughter.
From my vantage point, I could see the terrorists holding a knife to her throat and preparing the camera to video the spectacle for the world to see.
I had two options and so little time, I could either lie down and use my sniper or I could go in guns blazing and risk her life and mine in the process, I was about going for option two just for the thrill of it and also because my last attempt with the sniper gun led to her death as I missed her captor who immediately slit her throat.
This was my fifth attempt at this goddamn game I just downloaded from play store on my infinix phone.
I was about going for the sixth attempt when my phone vibrated and then the call came in, the caller ID showed "candy crush" that was how I saved the love of my life's number. Felicity, the woman I would be marrying soon.
"Sweety, I've missed you, how you dey.. Before you say anything, just say yes pleaseeee." She went on her usual style, dishing out a train of words without letting me say or respond to at least one until she was done.
"Sweety yes to what now?" I asked in trepidation for this requests usually had a bad ending on my part alone.
"You know Funmi now, our chief bridesmaid, well you know she just opened her new fast food, and she wants us to come and have dinner there on Friday, since, well she will be the one responsible for the catering service, so she wants us to come and have a feel of her hospitality and service." She pouted on the phone, without seeing her face, I knew by habit.
"Goddammit baby, but you know I don't have time for that, especially Friday, Jeez, the wedding is Saturday for crying out loud, I already moved most of my jobs and Friday is supposed to be my day before the honeymoon. I am super busy and I really hate it when you decide for us with your friends without checking in on me first to know my schedule and plans." I vented.
"Honey it's no big deal, besides she made special cake for you, ok..not the wedding cake o, I know you love cake so I made her bake special chocolate cream cake, just for you...besides, you work too hard, take a day off and what better day to take off than a day to the most happiest day of your life, the day I decided to marry your poor sorry ass." She teased as usual.
"Hahahha, you silly broke ass. Marry who, am I not the man, I'm the one marrying your flat ass, Calabar girl." I fired back playfully, she was from Ogoni but I always teased her with the calabar jibe and Lord she had big backside not flat.
"Ha..you wish, this my big Orobo..alright honey, see you Friday night, I'll pick you up by 6:30. Be ready and don't put on too much make up..love you..." she hung up laughing before I could respond.
It was Sunday night and so I had a week to prepare my mind, it's not like I didn't like Funke, but I was a little pissed at Felicity, my fiancée as she was fond of fixing appointments, dates and parties on my behalf with her friends without even checking to know if I'll be available, and when I don't make it, all hell breaks loose. She turns into something else and pouts for a week or more, giving me heat until I make up for it. I didn't have that energy, so I checked my schedule and began adjusting just to make time for Friday.
The week came and went and then it was Friday night.
She was on point, 6:35 to be precise, I was a freelancer with my own office, so I was ready when she came, I quickly did the sign of the cross and entered.
"David love, She called and kissed me on the cheek. Tomorrow is our D-Day and see us having fun one last time as singles when I thought the bachelor's parry and bachelorettes were all we would do."
"It's your call boss lady, I replied and put on the seat belt then relaxed fully on the seat while she drove. You can call it off and I'd be glad to follow you home and keep you moist and wet for tomorrow's dry wedding." I said with a bad grin on my face.
"Shut up, shut up..you devil..she used her right hand to knock my head while concentrating with the left on the steering. It's your wedding that will be dry not mine, bad shild." We both laughed at ourselves and soon enough we were in the outskirts of Lekki, where Funke's fast food was situated.
I admit it was legit and clean.
Funke was so happy to see us and she welcomed us inside while her staffs took great care to make us feel like celebs. She went around for a while supervising and serving customers, then came and sat down with us.
"Funke you don hit Jack pot with this place o" I commented while looking around on my seat and nodding in approval.
"Yes naw, Ijebu girls no dey carry last..for this Lagos, dem go hear am." She said in her usual funny manner then signalled to the waitress who immediately brought us wine, followed by my cake..it was big, just as I like it.
"Ha, Fuke! Felicity exclaimed. Abeg no kill my husband with sugar o, I need am to perform well tomorrow night."
"Husband ke, boyfriend ni..una never marry so e still dey free till tomorrow..abi sugar," she said looking at me and batting her eyes seductively.
"Me like this eh, I am only interested in the cake not even the both of you." I said, digging in immediately and savoring every bite.
"I go kill am and burn you and your mama put" Felicity said drinking her wine.. Sha go easy on the cake o make you no purge, you know how it is with you and sugar. She replied looking concerned.
"Don't worry, I said..if I no fit do well, I'll buy cucumber or candle for you, or I'll take the one Funke uses." We all laughed so hard some of the customers even smiled.
*****************************************************
It was Saturday Morning and the wedding had just started, we were on the altar with the priest, my best man was my best friend Uche, we were buddies at work, and Funke stood behind Felicity, we are listened as the priest gave his sermon and then turned to us to begin the final proceedings.
"David Onyedikachi, do you take this young lady to be your lawful wedded wife, to love and to hold...
And then I ran out of the altar, amidst gasps and murmurings and shocked voices...I heard Felicity shouting my name and looked back to see the priest holding her hands firmly and my best man running behind me.
I ran out and kept running, the hardest thing I did was leaving my wife on the altar with another man even though he was the priest, I was still jealous the way he held her hand comforting her, he was young and unmarried but I just couldn't help it, I had to leave.
"Guy stop, wait now, wetin you dey do..no be the plan be this o." I heard Uche saying.
Finally I got to the rest room and then I dashed inside.
Guy na shit," I whispered while releasing different sounds and bomb in the toilet.
"Wait o, you mean say na shit be this, as in everything wey happen inside na shit!" Uche asked perplexed.. He even had to open the door wide and was staring at me wide eyed, mouth and nose closed.
"Na shit." I whispered..still unable to shout
"So na shit" he repeated again
"Na shit" I replied nodding.
After what seemed like 5 minutes has passed he responded.
"Guy you be the most useless MF for this planet, I swear. I been don dey happy low key sef so I go make move on Felicity." I almost threw the tissue at him, then we laughed and laughed and kept laughing while my father, brother and even my mother rushed inside the toilet and dragged us out by the ears.
Back to the altar
After everyone and everywhere was calm and quiet, except for Funke who kept laughing but acting like it was cough she was coughing... I said I do and when it was Felicity's turn, she looked at me, shook her head then said "I do too, even though I might regret this..."
Everyone in the church laughed out loud and clapped while jeering for us, and then we were married.
Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne
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www.ofunneceo.blogspot.com
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